- Dear members of congress: Sit down and shut up. If you haven't noticed, things are pretty shitty out there for a lot of Americans and we continue to not be able to do enough to help them, so I don't think we have a lot to be applauding--especially not every 30 seconds.
- Oh, and can we all take the smug looks off our faces. We had enough of that for the last eight years and besides it just makes people think we're assholes--I'm talking to you mister curiously tan minority leader.
- This is supposed to be a report on the state of the union, not the potential state of the union, so I am not going to announce a whole set of new ideas implying that just because I said them here they are going to ever happen given how long it takes us to do anything. Instead I am going to focus on what is at hand and what needs done. Did I mention things are pretty shitty out there right now?
- Hey ladies, what did you think of that new Apple iPad? Nice name, huh?
- Speaking of ladies, I am going to give a nod to the first lady tonight without cracking flirty little jokes that frame her as a high schooler who can't handle the spotlight like her man can.
- Also thought it might be interesting to acknowledge the need for a strong union movement in this country since the work of their members is what led to my administration and this Congress and as far as I can tell we haven't really acknowledged that or done anything legislatively to improve the right to organize.
- Wow, there really is a lot of red and purple going on tonight--did we change our colors and nobody told me?
- To my colleagues in the Senate. Since most of you are millionaires already--would you mind sharing a little of the wealth so at least a few folks could eat and see a doctor? Mighty white of ya.
- Oh and yo, white people, I am now going to drop a little dialect on you so Chris Matthews remembers I am an African-American.
Enough for now. Perhaps more later.